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Reminiscing about Christmases past…

Jingle Bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way…

Or not so much.

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Holidays always seem better when you’re a child. It’s as if the best of times fizzles away once you’ve reached your adult years. It’s been far too long since I’ve had a sincere Holiday Spirit. Basically, I’ve put on a show just to make my kids happy.

Sometimes I wonder if that’s normal.

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I truly, don’t even know anymore, as it’s become such a routine that it’s hard to tell if it’s normal or not to feel the way that I do. Mostly, because even up to 10 years ago, at around this time of year, I was consumed with Holiday Spirit. I would do everything and anything I could to make the holidays the best for everyone and anyone, including myself.

Yet, at some point about 10 years ago, I lost all holiday joy. Now, I only truly celebrate them because I don’t want to let my kids down. But, if it were up to me, I’d do nothing, as I can’t get past the “it’s just another day” thing.

Be that as it may, I typically put aside my own personal feelings in regards to the holidays and do things for my kids anyway. The things is, it’s getting harder and harder to do so. With every passing holiday, I become more and more disillusioned, and can’t help be develop a Grinch complex.

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It’s like, “What’s the big deal? Who cares? Bah, humbug! Grrr! Blah!”

*Insert Raspberry here*

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I sort of feel bad, because I feel as though it’s my duty to be happy and make everyone happy during this time of year. It’s sort of this feeling of guilt. Does that even make sense? I dunno.

So, I just decided to post this to see if I’m the only one that feels that way.

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I remember as a child, Christmas was, for the lack of a better word, magical. I saw the holidays with the eyes full of wonder that most children contain. Even more, I have always been somewhat of a dreamer, so the event could very well not have been so spectacular, yet in my eyes it was grandiose indeed.

I felt as though my Grandmother was a big part of that. She always made the holidays feel complete. She passed away 21 years ago, and when that happened, the holidays began to slow but surely lose its wonder. She made everything feel complete.

Sometimes I ponder if I do the same for my kids and family. Do I give them the feeling that Grandma gave me? I guess I’ll never know.

One Christmas the entire family gathered together at my Titi (Auntie) Maro’s house. There was at least 50 of us scrunched together in a 3 bedroom apartment. There was barely any room to breathe. Yet we made room all the same. We danced, the adults drank, we laughed, we were merry and we feasted. That Christmas I got a purple plush unicorn. I’ll never forget it. It was one of the best Christmases that I’d ever had.

What ever happened to those days? I just don’t know.

I pray that one day all of that unadulterated felicity I used to feel might return to me, and I can go back to seeing the holiday for the splendorous thing it can be.

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